There’s this Family Circus cartoon I saw as a kid that has stuck with me through the years. It was for the Fourth of July and it pans through the children of a young family. The oldest – a boy – marvels at the fireworks, with a big speech bubble to the side of the picture. It reads, “OOOOH” in bold letters. Next, his younger sister, also dazzled by the light show in the night sky, says, “AHHHHH.” Last, their baby brother had a far different response, crying, “WHAAAAA,” being scared and annoyed by the noise of the festivities.
When push comes to shove, there’s an age requirement to truly enjoying fireworks, and similarly, there’s an age requirement for enjoying a wedding. That’s why it has become so popular to have adult-only weddings in this day and age... but is it right for you?
Having infants and young children at a wedding reception is one of those hot-button issues that’s bound to spark a fight or at least a conversation among different generations. The key here is realizing that there’s a time and place for everything, and the best way to handle it for your wedding is by taking a moment to think about your other wedding preferences. Ask yourself how younger guests fit into the atmosphere, how they will impact your budget, and how they will change your guest interactions.
I’ll break it down for you to make it real simple:
- Black-tie: No one under the age of 15 should be invited to a wedding with a black-tie or black-tie optional dress code. Hell, there’s even a reasonable argument to cut it at 18 or 21 if your girl’s vision board looks like the Met Gala – I’m just not going to make that argument for you.
- Cocktail or Casual: On the other hand, it is wrong to not invite children of all ages to a cocktail attire or semi-formal wedding. If your buddy Trevor can wear a golf polo to your reception, then you're not above a 5 year-old taking the dance floor hostage.
- Formal: It depends. Formal weddings are the real bugaboos here, right? And that’s mostly because what counts as formal can vary so much based on your location, social circle, and family. Formal in New York’s upper east side is different than Formal in Springfield, Missouri. You know your people better than I do. You know your wedding better than I do. Just use your judgment, but a good rule of thumb is flower girls / ring bearers get a pass, and middle schoolers can act the part for a couple hours but are up to your discretion. Just don’t be shocked if a couple of troubblemakers cause trouble.
For some of you, you don’t need more than the answers. Stop here – you're good. Everyone else, let’s get into it.
Atmosphere: The big takeaway is that the whimsy and playfulness of children will naturally make the day less formal. They play, they whine, they cry, they need attention, and that could be a distraction. At the reception, kids could take the dance floor hostage with a game of tag or some unathletic rain dance. But here’s the thing, some people will hate that, and some people (like grandparents) will love it! Your wedding is mostly about you, so decide whether you’d find children on your dancefloor annoying, or adorable.
Budget: On to the next point – you might decide not to include children if you have a more formal dress code wedding because these weddings tend to be more expensive. More expensive weddings may have a plated meal with fixed options and an open bar. Not only will the dinner be more sophisticated than kid-friendly mac & cheese, but it's going to be billed per head, no matter if you like the food or can drink the booze. Setting an age limit will reduce the number of reception attendees and reduce your overall cost for a formal, black-tie optional, or black-tie wedding.
The more casual setting will be more affordable, and more affordable receptions could have a buffet or less stuffy meal options. Not only do I like food more, but so will the kids! Worst-case scenario, they load up on bread and potatoes.
Guest Interactions: If kids are welcome on your big day, you and your partner might not be the most important people in the room anymore. Guests’ roles as friends might be overshadowed by their responsibilities as parents. A new mom might get spit-up on her ballroom gown, and a dad might be pulled away from the open bar to put his toddler down for bed.
By not allowing children to your wedding, you might be white-knighting for your guests. You're giving parents a break from being parents for a night. It will be a dressed-up, kid-free night out, and maybe they didn’t ask for it or will be annoyed at first, but a night like that is always welcome in a young family.
One way around kids is to book a babysitter and an extra room in the hotel block. Announce that families are welcome to the ceremony, but the reception is Adults-Only, and childcare for families that traveled is available with pizza, movies, and board games…. Kiddos will have a better time in that room anyway, and over-attached parents can drunkenly check in with them throughout the evening.
If you do choose to involve children in your wedding, the atmosphere, especially if you’re planning on going more casual, will improve. The kids will hang around with kids, young parents will hang around with young parents, and the grandparents get to watch it all. God, those old heads are going to eat up the chance to watch some little tikes run around. You’ll also provide enough stimuli to distract the munchkin mob.
Focus more on the wedding that you want to have and how different types of guests fit into that puzzle. Think about where you want people’s focus throughout the day, about your budget, and about how you want friends and family to enjoy your day. The more formal the wedding, the more you should think about an age restriction. The more casual a wedding, the more receptive you should be to the idea of the little homies. There’s a right way to do it for every wedding.